


A Different Kind Of Love

by carrot57



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, M/M, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, i will update eventually, my update schedule is nonexistent, trigger warning, wow these tags are so depressing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-08-17 07:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8134921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrot57/pseuds/carrot57
Summary: Life had become to much to deal with. My anxiety and depression were getting the best of me, and I felt so alone. Sure, I had Phil, and talking to him did seem to help, but my biggest problem was of course the one thing I couldn't talk to him about.





	1. Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fanfiction! I'm super excited that I finally got around to posting it, and I really hope you enjoy it! Please please please comment to let me know what you think! I appreciate any and all comments and suggestions!! Thank you!
> 
> PS, if you see something written like /this/ that's my way of italicizing XD

[Dan POV] 

 

One, two, three...

I counted the pills as I lined them up on the bathroom sink.

Six, seven, eight...

Phil was in the lounge editing a video, and as far as he knew, I was doing the same thing in my room. 

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...

Life had become to much to deal with. My anxiety and depression were getting the best of me, and I felt so alone. Sure, I had Phil, and talking to him did seem to help, but my biggest problem was of course the one thing I couldn't talk to him about.

I'm gay. Not only that, but I'm in love with my best friend. My best friend, who also happens to be my roommate, and would probably either kick me out or move out himself if he ever found out. My best friend, who is not gay, and would probably never want to speak to me again if he knew I liked him as more than a friend.

That, on top of the normal stresses of life and my constant existential crisis, had finally become too much for me to handle. 

Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty... 

I kept going until I lost count and had emptied the once-filled bottle of sleeping pills. I began taking them one by one, but then just took the rest in a handful and swallowed them all at once. I felt the uncomfortable lump travel down my throat as I stood there staring in the mirror for a moment. Suddenly my vision started to blur and I saw black spots everywhere. I tried grabbing hold of the counter to keep my balance but before I could get a firm grip I fell onto the tile floor with a loud /thud/.

"Dan?" I heard Phil call from the lounge. "You ok?"

'Shit,' I thought. 'Phil heard. Way to go, Dan. You can't even kill yourself without making a mistake.'

My thoughts were interrupted by an excruciating pain that filled my entire being. I heard a knock at the door followed by Phil's voice.

"Dan, what's going on in there?"

I let out a pained cry in response as my body shut down more and more.

"Phil... Help..." I gasped weakly. Wait a second, why was I asking for help? Didn't I want to die?

Phil swung the door open to find me curled in a ball on the floor, writhing in pain. "Dan oh my god what happened?!" he asked frantically. He grabbed the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the bathroom counter, fell to his knees beside me, and pulled out his phone. "Dan I'm calling an ambulance, you're going to be okay, just hang on, stay with me!" 

Phil was desperate, I could hear it in his voice. I clamped my eyes shut as tight as I could, and I felt him push the fringe out of my face. "You're going to be okay," he repeated. I heard him speaking hurriedly into the phone and give them our address to send an ambulance before he hung up and focused back on me. "They're on their way, Dan, please hang on," he said, his voice cracking at the end. I opened my eyes again to see Phil hunched over me. Suddenly, I was filled with the last thing I expected to feel: regret. As I watched Phil's worried expression, I realized I had made an enormous mistake. I didn't want to die.

I felt myself beginning to lose consciousness as Phil wrapped me in the tightest embrace he could manage. I fought to keep my eyes open and focused, but eventually the pain overcame me. 'What have I done?' I thought. Gradually, everything went black, and I heard Phil whisper three last words before I slipped away completely.

"Stay with me."


	2. You'll Be Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay this update is waaaaay overdue, it's been like a month since I first published this XD  
> This chapter's a little longer than the first one, yay!  
> Hope you like it, and again, comments give me life! Any feedback, suggestions, constructive criticisms, I love them all ^.^
> 
> ALSO!! ***TW for self-harm*** (and also for attempted suicide but if you read chapter 1 then you already know that) Love you all <3

[Dan POV]

 

My eyes peeled open despite my desire to sleep and I squinted them back shut as I was greeted by a blindingly white light. Was I dead? Was this it? I always thought the "bright light" people talked about was just an exaggeration, but now I wasn't so sure. My mind seemed clouded and my fingers twitched as I began to regain feeling throughout my body. /Well, I can still feel my hands and feet, that must be a good sign,/ I thought groggily. The last thing I remembered was lying on the floor crying, curled up next to...

"Dan?"

...Phil. I let out a weak groan in response, my head still too foggy to form coherent words.

"Oh my god Dan oh thank god!" Phil said as he jumped up and held me in that same tight embrace I remembered from before, burying his head into my chest. When he did that, my hand suddenly felt very empty, and I realized he must have been holding it, maybe even crying into it, as the back was slightly damp. As he hugged me now I felt his tears seeping through my shirt—/Wait a second,/ I realized, /This isn't my shirt.../ I looked down to see that I was lying down in a rather uncomfortable bed, hooked up to multiple machines, and dressed in a hospital gown. A short-sleeved hospital gown. I felt like throwing up as I saw that all of my scars were completely exposed, and most of the fresher cuts had been bandaged. They were out there for everyone to see, even Phil. /Phil knows. Phil knows. Phil knows./ I repeated the phrase over and over in my head, imagining all the possible ways he could react. I had worked so hard to hide it from him. Wearing jumpers even in the middle of summer, hiding razors all around my bedroom in places I knew Phil would never look, Lying to him about why I would take such long showers, it was all for nothing. I knew he would hate me if he ever found out. He could never be friends with someone as messed up as me. He deserved someone so much better.

"Dan you scared me so much," Phil whispered, lifting his head to look me in the eyes, and I stared back at his. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, it was like staring into a whole other galaxy, I could drink them in for hours if I had the chance. They were mesmerizing, they were—/No, Dan, stop it,/ my brain interrupted. /He hates you now. You can't just get lost in his eyes and pretend somehow magically everything is just going to work out./

"Dan, whatever you're going through, we'll get through it, okay?"

/No we won't,/ my mind argued.

"I'm going to help you get through it, I promise," he continued.

/You're lying. You'll leave./

"We're in this together, okay? We always are. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you, Dan. You're my best friend in the whole world and I just... I just love you so much." Phil went back to hugging me and crying into my shoulder. I had a feeling I would be crying too if I had any energy left. I would be lying if I said that those last words from Phil hadn't stung. /You don't love me, Phil,/ I couldn't help but think. /Not in the way I want you to love me. Not in the way I love you./ Either way, I suppose I should be grateful that even after seeing my scars, he didn't seem to hate me. Well, not yet at least.

 

[Phil POV]

 

I finally released Dan and sat back down in the chair I had pulled up next to his bed, avoiding eye contact with him as I tried to wipe the tears off my face. /Come on, Phil, don't do this, not in front of Dan. He needs you right now. You have to be strong for him. For Dan./ I looked up at him sheepishly and met his gaze, struggling to make out the expression on his face.

"Um, how are you feeling?" I asked hesitantly. I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to know the answer. The thought of Dan being in so much pain... It was just too awful to think about.

Dan took a deep breath, as if trying to muster up whatever strength he had to give a response. "Tired," he sighed.

"You will be, you've been through a lot the past couple of days." He furrowed his brow as he looked at me, clearly confused.

"Days?" He asked slowly.

I sighed and explained, "Dan, I don't know how much you remember, but you overdosed. I found you on the bathroom floor and called an ambulance." Dan looked down and nodded his head. My heart ached as he avoided eye contact with me. I continued, "You went into a coma for three days. Every once in a while your body would go into shock so they've been giving you a lot of sedatives."

"Oh," Dan mumbled.

There were several moments of uncomfortable silence before I spoke up again. "Here, you dont look very comfortable, let me help you sit up." I reached over to help Dan up, and without thinking, grabbed his arm to give him some support. As soon as I felt the scars under my fingers, I knew it was a mistake. I heard Dan wince under my grasp, and released him immediately. "Sorry! Sorry, I... I forgot... about the..."

"It's fine," Dan blurted before I had the chance to make the situation any more tense.

I hadn't actually forgotten, of course. Ever since I had seen his exposed arms for the first time in what I realized must have been a very long time, the image of red lines sketched hecticly on a slightly tanned canvas had haunted my mind. How could I not have noticed before now? How could I have been so ignorant? /Well, it doesn't matter now,/ I told myself. /All that matters now is Dan's recovery. I have to be there for him, now more than ever./ But what if Dan didn't want me there for him? What if I was the cause of all of this? I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I knew I was the reason for Dan's actions. I desperately wanted to fill the silence that had fallen over us. "The doctor said you might be able to come home tomorrow! I-I mean... If you want to, that is."

"Of course I want to come home, where else would I go?" Dan prodded.

"Well... I mean she just said to make sure you... you know, felt... safe at home and everything," I stuttered in response. /Oh god, what if he doesn't want to live with me anymore?/

For the first time since he woke up, Dan laughed. He actually laughed. Well, it more of just a small grin and a short exhale, as that was all he had the energy to muster., but I would take what I could get. "Of course I want to come home," Dan repeated, but then paused, his face growing serious. "Oh, I mean, unless... unless you don't want me to. Because I'd totally understand, I mean I don't want you to feel like you have to start babysitting me now or anything," he rambled, "I mean I get it if you're not comfortable around me anymore, I know you're probably freaked out and--"

"Dan. I would love it if you came back home. It wouldn't be home without you," I saaid sincerely. "Now get some rest, you must be exhausted."

With that, Dan smiled softly and let his eyes fall shut, humming in agreement. In that moment he looked so peaceful, and it made me wonder how any of this could have happened. I watched him for several minutes until his breathing began to even out and his fingers started to twitch, as I noticed they had a tendency to do when he slept. I waited another minute to be sure he was asleep, and then I knelt down beside his bed and took his hand in mine. I leaned over gently, so as not to wake him, and planted a kiss on one of the deeper scars on his arm. "I'll get you through this, Dan. I promise. You'll be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed chapter 2! Leave me a comment and lemme know what you thought! I will try to update sooner this time, but no promises ^.^  
> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Side-note: I'm still learning how to use the archive, so I'm not sure why the note fro chapter 1 still appears in chapter 2? If anyone would like to explain that'd be awesome XD


	3. I'll Protect You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!!  
> Hey look at this I updated it in a (relatively) timely manner this time XD Let's see if I can keep this up! (Don't get your hopes up, I am a pretty kick-ass procrastinator)  
>  **TW for panic attack and mentions of self-harm**  
>  Ok so I tried to describe the panic attack how it feels for me, sorry if it's inaccurate I did my best ^.^  
> Love you all <3
> 
> Oh and also I figured out how to do bold and italics so yeah that's a thing

**Dan POV**

_I sat in the corner of my room, hugging my knees to my chest as I rocked back and forth. Tears were streaming down my face, my throats was tight, and I was gasping for air. I was trying desperately to block out the noises of screams and taunts from inside my head. I clutched a razor blade in my hand as that all-to-familiar itch crept up on me again._ No, Dan. You don't need this. Just put the blade down, for Phil. Do it for Phil. _Shakily, I laid the blade down on the floor in front of me, inwardly proud of myself for not listening to the voices in my head for once and instead replacing it with the thought of Phil's voice. Phil would want me to stay strong._

_Just then, the door opened, and I flinched back before realizing it was just Phil. A smile snuck its way onto my face as I began to tell him what I had done. "Phil! I did it! I was about to--"_

_"What's going on? You're making an awful lot of noise," Phil interrupted._

_"Oh, sorry." I was a bit surprised that he cared about the noise, but I tried not to overthink it. After all, I had just taken a really big step and I wasn't going to let my stupid brain ruin this moment. "I was having a panic attack but I got through it! I put the razor down Phil, I'm okay!"_

_"Why?" Phil asked simply. My smile faded as I cocked my head to the side, shooting him a confused look. "Why did you stop? Here," he continued. I stay there, stunned, as Phil picked up the blade from where it lay on the ground and handed it back to me._

_"I don't understand," I stated, though it was phrased more as a question._

_"You deserve it, Dan." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Phil, the one whose mere memory had been enough to pull me out of my panic in the first place, thought I deserved it? Just last night I had been lying in a hospital bed as Phil told me that he'd get me through this, we'd do it together. Had he changed his mind? "Come on, Dan, do it. You deserve it," he repeated, still holding the razor out for me to take. Hesitantly, I reached out and took it from him. I paid attention to how the cool silver felt in my hand. Just a second ago that feeling of the cold metal between my fingers had terrified me, but now it felt like it belonged there. Phil was right, I deserved it. His words played over and over in my mind._

_"Come on, Dan, you deserve it."_

_"Dan."_

_"Dan!"_

"DAN!"

I sat up so quickly that my head almost collided with Phil's. Phil was sitting on the bed leaning over me, concern evident on his face. I cautiously scrambled toward the headboard and away from him, slightly unsure as to whether this was still a nightmare or I was back to reality.

"Dan what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I dismissed, he had already found out enough about me this week, he didn't need to hear about my nightmares too.

"No you're not, Dan, you're shaking!" He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up into the warmest of hugs. _He doesn't want you, Dan. He doesn't need you,_ I tried to remind myself, but some part of me still didn't believe it. His words had sounded so sincere in the hospital, they couldn't have been lies, right?

Phil finally seemed to notice that I wasn't hugging back, so he released me awkwardly, but remained seated close enough that our knees were touching.

"I heard these muffled sobs and I got worried, so I came in to check on y-- Oh!" he exclaimed as I yanked him into the tightest hug I could manage. He wrapped his long arms around me once again, and I buried my face in his shoulder as I grabbed fistfuls of his loose pyjama t-shirt. I gave every effort to fight back tears, but of course to no avail. He held me even closer to him as I sobbed into his shoulder.

"It's okay, I'm right here," he whispered to me. "It was just a nightmare, it's all over now. You're safe. I'll protect you."

"Thank you," I mumbled. My crying finally began to calm down and I allowed myself to just melt into Phil's warm embrace.

"Dan," he began as he, to my disappointment, pulled away from the hug. His hands remained on my shoulders, however, in an attempt to steady my still slightly trembling form. "Has this happened before? Do you usually get nightmares like this?"

I didn't say anything in return, though I knew my silence and worried gaze gave him all the response he needed.

"Oh Dan, why didn't you ever tell me?"

Once again, my unresponsiveness and averted gaze said more than enough.

"Dan, you can always tell me whenever something's bothering you, you don't have to be scared. You're my best friend and I want to be there to help you. I'm so sorry you had to deal with these all alone. What would you do when you woke up from them? Would you just lie in bed until morning?" Finally I met his eyes and stared into them for a moment, part of me still wondering if he actually cared, or if this was all just an act he was too polite to drop. He didn't look away, instead just sat there, waiting for a response of any kind. I realized he wasn't going to budge until I offered some sort of answer to the question, so I let my eyes drift down to my arms, his gaze following mine. Phil had insisted that I wear a short-sleeved shirt to bed, given how hot it was, so once again all the scars were exposed. We both stared down at them, studying the lines, the reminders of all my sleepless nights.

"Oh Dan..." He glanced back up into my now tear-filled eyes and once again pulled me back into hug, burying his head in my shoulder. Except this time, I didn't hug back, but instead just sat there, ashamed that Phil was finding out so much that I had kept hidden for so long. "You don't deserve this, Dan." My eyes widened in shock. What had he said? The Phil that was in my dream had told me I did deserve it. But which Phil was telling the truth? Which one should I believe? _Don't listen to him, Dan,_ my mind told me. _The Phil in your dream knows the_ real _you. The Phil hugging you right now has no idea what a fuck-up you are. He doesn't know what goes on inside your head. All he sees is the act you put on for other people. That fake smile you plaster on your face when anyone else is around. You can't trust him._

Phil must have felt me stiffen as he said that, because he suddenly pulled away and scooted back a few inches.

"Um, do you want to talk about it? Maybe that would help," he offered, clearly unsure of whether or not he should push me to tell him anything more. I didn't move, just sat there staring off at the wall, still internally debating whether or not I could trust him. Once again, he seemed to get the message, so he stood up and took a step back.

"Okay, I'll be in my room if you change your mind or need anything. And Dan, if there's something you want to talk about, please come to me. You can trust me, I promise, I just want to help you."

He started back for his room, but I managed to squeak out his name and stop him. "Phil?" I asked, silently cursing myself at how vulnerable I sounded at that moment.

"Yes Dan?" he asked, turning around in the doorway. I still hadn't decided whether or not I could trust him, but all I knew was that when he was hugging me, I felt safer than I had in a long time. When his arms were around me, it felt as if nothing could hurt me, not even the demons that were inside of my own mind.

"Do you think you could... Could you..." I couldn't find the wording, so I just pulled down the duvet next to me, motioning for him to stay.

"Of course," he said with a warm smile, and I let go of a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Phil walked over and climbed into my bed next to me. I immediately curled up against him, resting my head on his chest as he draped his arm over me. He began lightly tracing circles on my back with his fingers, sending a shiver down my spine. My breathing finally steadied out and I relaxed into him as I felt his chest rise and fall. After several minutes of lying there together, Phil pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head and whispered a goodnight. I knew I was blushing furiously so I was very grateful for the darkness.

_The darkness._ Suddenly I felt very alone. Not physically, because I could still feel Phil right next to me, his arm still holding me in place. It was more of an internal loneliness, as if my soul itself was alone.

"Phil?" I whispered, making Phil jump a bit and tense up slightly. Had he thought I was asleep?

"Uh, yeah?" he replied nervously.

"I'm scared." He seemed to breathe a sigh of... relief? A part of me wondered if he had expected me to say something else, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

"Don't worry, I'm right here," he said, his confidence returning. Then, as if he could read my thoughts, he continued, "You're not alone."

My eyelids felt heavy and eventually fell shut. I drifted off to the most peaceful sleep I had had in a long time, replaying Phil's words from earlier that night over and over in my head.

"I'll protect you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked that chapter!  
> I love comments so please let me know what you thought!  
> <3


	4. Adored by Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!! I am soooo sorry I am the worst author i completely fell off the grid for a while there XD  
> I've been in the hospital a ton lately and consequently I am waaayy behind in school... so i have had zero time to do anything else and i think i'm going insane, SO i took a break and wrote you all another chapter! Yay!! If you're still reading this omg thank u ilysm  
> You'll notice that this chapter is named after a Dodie song, i know i know, i'm painfully cheesy but i couldn't resist ^.^  
> Ok i'll stop talking now ENJOY THE CHAPTER MY LOVES!!
> 
> P.S. If you're as obsessed with Dear Evan Hansen as i am, keep an eye out for my low key reference and comment if you spot it!!
> 
> <3

**Phil POV**

I yawned as I opened my eyes. I had just been in the middle of a dream, but I had already forgotten what it was about. I glanced down to see Dan's head resting on my chest, his hand gently gripping my shirt. I couldn't resist running my fingers through his hair, which was beginning to curl at the ends. Not wanting to wake him, I slipped out of bed, resting his head gently on a pillow, and made my way to the kitchen to make us both some breakfast. As I passed my own room, I peered in at the bed that hadn't been slept in for over a week now. Dan seemed to sleep better when there was someone else with him, so I had been crashing in his room lately. _Not to mention he certainly wasn't_ un _comfortable to wake up cuddling,_ my brain added.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I made it to the kitchen and saw my phone light up on the breakfast bar. _So that's where I left it last night,_ I remembered.

**1 New Message**  
To: Phil  
From: Caroline  
(9:46am) Good morning sweetheart  <3 Wondering if today is a good day to stop by? Lmk :-)

Right. Caroline. She had been so great about giving Dan some time to recover before overwhelming him with more people, but naturally she did want to come check up on the both of us since it had been a few days since she'd seen either of us. I proceeded to whip up some pancakes for Dan and I, figuring we could eat in the lounge while watching some anime. Just as I was about to call his name to tell him breakfast was ready, I turned around to see him leaning against the wall smiling with tired eyes as he watched me plate the pancakes. It felt so silly to think that just his crooked smile alone made me feel so much warmer inside.

I smiled back at him and began, "So Caroline hasn't seen you since everything... happened... and she was wondering if she could stop by today?" I could've sworn I saw Dan's smile falter a bit, but it must have been my imagination because it returned as soon as it left. It did look a bit more forced than before, but he was probably just tired.

"Oh yeah, that'd be fine," he said as he grabbed a plate of pancakes to head into the lounge.

"Cool, I was thinking we could hang out and play board games or watch a movie or something."

"Yeah, sounds good." Okay, it wasn't my imagination now, Dan definitely looked annoyed.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, fine. What do you want to watch?" Dan asked, changing the subject. I decided not to pry, I would just keep an eye on him throughout the day to make sure nothing was majorly wrong.

"Up to you," I responded, passing Dan the remote. As he clicked around for something to watch, I replied to Caroline.

To: Caroline  
From: Phil  
(10:19am) Sure, Care Bear ^.^ See you around noon?

To: Phil  
From: Caroline  
(10:20am) :-*

Dan had settled on an episode of _Death Note_ , so I set my phone on the table and turned my attention towards the tv. As I did, I noticed Dan quickly looking away from where I had been holding my phone, and I suspected he had been reading my texts. I didn't mind, Dan and I didn't really have any secrets from each other, we pretty much kept everything out in the open. Or, at least that's how it used to feel.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dan shiver as he subtly curled in on himself a bit more. The flat did tend to get chilly in the mornings, and I knew Dan wasn't used to wearing short-sleeved shirts much, so he was probably rather cold. I moved closer to him on the couch and moved to put my arm around him so he would be warmer, but he just shrugged my arm away and scooted over, leaving a couple inches of space between us. I looked over at Dan, who was still staring straight ahead. I was about to ask him again why he was suddenly acting like this, but I thought better of it. I knew whatever I said would probably end up just annoying him more than helping. Instead, I got up and walked into my room to grab the duvet off my bed. _Might as well put it to some use,_ I thought. When I returned, I sat back down, being sure to leave a small gap between us, and spread the comforter across our laps. Our knees were pressing against each other, but Dan didn't seem to mind so I just stayed where I was, and we watched our anime together in silence.

***

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but at some point we both must have fallen asleep, because I awoke with a start to the sound of a horrible pounding and the feeling of a Dan-sized lump pressed up against me. I blinked a few times as my brain started waking up, and I realized the noise was not a pounding at all, but a gentle knocking at the door. I started to move to answer it, but quickly noticed that the Dan-sized lump was, in fact, Dan, and I was unable to get up without shoving him onto the ground. The knocking stopped, and I took a moment to enjoy the silence. Dan had apparently cocooned himself in the duvet—effectively hogging it from me, might I add—and curled himself into some sort of tangled up ball, and he was now practically on top of me. Curious as to what time it was, I wiggled one of my arms free, and grabbed my phone off the coffee table which was thankfully just within reach.

**9 New Messages**  
To: Phil  
From: Caroline  
(11:47am) I'm here! :-)  
(11:52am) One of your neighbors recognized me and buzzed me in... You didn't forget right?  
(11:54am) Hey baby I'm knocking on your door, where are you?  
(11:56am) Phil it's been like 5 min, is everything ok?  
(11:57am) Are you getting my texts?  
(11:57am) I'm literally just standing outside your door now...  
(11:57am) Is this a bad time?  
(11:58am) Phil Lester, if you don't come answer this door in the next 2 minutes, one of your house plants will mysteriously disappear very soon -.-  
(11:58am) Phil really is everything ok??

_Oh crap,_ I thought to myself, _Caroline!_ I typed out a reply as quickly as I could, and started to wake Dan so that I could actually get off of the couch and let her in.

To: Caroline  
From: Phil  
(11:59am) baby im sooo sorry we fell asleep n didnt hear the door ill be there in 2 sec

"Dan," I said softly while nudging the still sleeping Dan. "Dan, Caroline's here, you need to get up."

"Mm.. pillow.." Dan mumbled sleepily while trying to hold me down so I couldn't get up.

"Dan, come on, you need to get up and go get dressed," I continued, trying to worm my way out of Dan's grasp. Dan finally sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning. For a second, I was distracted by the sight of a sleepy, and still partially cocooned, Dan, until my phone buzzed again and I remembered the task at hand.

To: Phil  
From: Caroline  
(12:01am) ??

To: Caroline  
From: Phil  
(12:01am) sorry had to wake dan here i come

"Dan, go get dressed, Caroline's here," I said. Dan simply groaned and started towards his room, dragging my duvet along with him. I got up quickly and opened the door. "Hey!" I greeted, "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting! Dan and I must have fallen asleep at some point while watching anime and didn't hear the door."

"Of course you did, that's just like you two. Nice pyjamas, by the way," Caroline joked, "The cookie monster pants really complete the look."

"Why thank you, they're all the rage in Japan," I replied sarcastically while striking an over-dramatic pose.

"You would know, wouldn't you?" We laughed together, and I noticed that joking around with Caroline felt different than joking around with Dan. I couldn't put my finger on whether it was a good or bad different, it was just... _different_.

She looked at me curiously for a few seconds before I cocked my head and asked, "What is it?"

"Nothing, I just... I've missed you," she replied, smiling that gentle smile that I fell in love with.

"I've missed you too, Care Bear," I replied, pulling her in for a kiss. She was several inches shorter than me, so I had to hunch over a bit, which had always felt a bit awkward to me, but I didn't mind. We stood there for a minute just smiling at each other. It had only been about a week and a half since I had seen her last, and we texted every day, but it still felt like ages. I found myself getting so lost in her smile that I didn't even notice when Dan returned.

"Hi Caroline."

***

**Dan POV**

"Dan, come on, you need to get up and go get dressed," I heard Phil say as he tried to squirm out from under me. _Wait, when did I fall asleep? And how did I end up on top of Phil?_ I wondered. I sat up wearily and yawned, half-asleep and tangled in Phil's duvet. Phil jumped when he heard his phone vibrate. He hurriedly typed something and announced, "Dan, go get dressed, Caroline's here." I let out a groan as I reluctantly stood and marched towards my room, still wrapped in the duvet.

I trudged into my room, tossing Phil's duvet on my bed. _It's not like he's using it,_ I thought, although I knew the only reason I was keeping it was because it still slightly smelled of coffee and women's shampoo, like Phil. As I dragged myself to my wardrobe to pick out something to wear, I could hear faint greetings being exchanged between the two. I heard Phil's infectious laugh and pictured his tongue slightly poking out of his mouth as it always did. I quickly threw on a red tshirt and my usual black skinny jeans and walked back out into the hallway, not even caring that I still had yet to fix my hobbit hair. As I approached the lounge, I saw Phil and Caroline standing by the doorway.

"I've missed you too, Care Bear," Phil said, and I stopped in my tracks. When he leaned in to kiss her, I had to bite my tongue and look away, as I always did. Before he started dating Caroline, everything seemed fine. Yes, I admit I liked him as more than a friend, and no, the feeling was not mutual, so I still had to keep my mouth shut, but somehow it was easier then. Sure, Phil didn't want to be with me, but he didn't seem to want to be with anyone else either. Even though we were just friends, I still felt like he was _mine_. _I_ was the one Phil would joke around with when either of us did something stupid. _I_ was the one he would come talk to is he was having a bad day. _I_ was the one he would lean his head against if he started feeling sleepy during a movie marathon on the couch.

_I_ was the one he called "Bear."

But then he met Caroline, and they started dating, and suddenly everything changed. Everything was so _different_.

I looked back at the two, and saw that now they were just looking at each other, smiling. They were just standing there. Looking at each other. Part of me was definitely cringing at how cheesy the two of them were, but another part of me felt out of place watching them. Strangely, however, it wasn't because I felt like I shouldn't be watching them. No, it was more that I felt like I should be the one standing there instead of Caroline. Staring at each other is something you can really only do when you're dating, there's no platonic way to go about staring into someone's eyes. Trust me, I've tried, and it earned me the nickname "Heart Eyes Howell." _Wow, Dan, look who's the cheesy one now,_ I thought, trying to just brush it off and ignore the jealousy that I couldn't deny I was feeling right at that moment. That's how I always felt when I looked at them, though. I felt like I was on the outside, always looking in.

I decided to alleviate the awkward silence in my mind by saying something. "Hi Caroline." I probably sounded slightly bitter, but franky I didn't care. 

"Dan!" She said excitedly as she hurried over to hug me. I had to admit, as much as it stung that Phil loved her instead of me, I could never hate her, not even a little. She had this genuinely kindhearted way about her, and her smile was contagious. She was perfect for Phil, and if he was going to be with someone else, I was glad it was her. He seemed really happy with her.

Still, I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel to be adored by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that chapter! I will try to update sooner this time but no promises... like i said, i'm waaaay behind in school rn. It definitely will not be 3 months again though!  
> As always, comments make my life so feel free to leave one below :)  
> Thank u for sticking with this story even though i'm just a nerd who takes forever to update ^.^  
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comment to let me know what you thought and if you'd be interested in reading more!


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